I love soccer.

The officials of Newark, Ohio would like to host, help finance and give tax abatements to the new Major League Soccer, MLS, Columbus Crew training facility . The facility would be managed by the Columbus Crew, and would be available for local events and youth soccer teams - the facility would be privately and/or publicly owned and funded.

The City of Newark has virtually no money in its budget and is unable to properly support is own infrastructure; what we call roads are more like a series of connected pot holes, punctuated by the crumbling islands of asphalt. Yet, Newark has the resources to develop a training facility for the world's most popular game - bureaucracy.

MLS is not doing exceeding well in Columbus or anywhere else. They are now repeating the same mistakes of the 1970's professional North American Soccer League: paying aging European and South American superstars, who are on the back nine of their career, millions of dollars in the vain hope of drawing bigger television crowds. If the Michael Jordan of soccer, Pele, could not make soccer viable in the United State then, it is highly unlikely Mr. Posh Spice can do it now.

Soccer is currently the fifteenth most popular televised sport in the United States, directly between autistic badminton and men's volleyball. Part of the reason why is cultural, Americans already watch professional wrestling to sate its head butting appetite, but the more prevalent reason is why would anyone want to watch a substandard iteration of a sport, the MLS - it is akin to preferring The OC over Beverly Hills 90210 . If you want to watch hot and heavy soccer action, you already are an avid viewer of European club league matches on ESPN 21.

The Newark Advocate - THE place to find failed English & Journalism Majors who now prostitute the written word for fifty cents a pop - reported the facility would bring in: 500,000 visitors to the area each year; 1,100 jobs to the region; $52 million dollar in sales; $18 million dollars in wages; and $600,000 in city taxes. Bob say what? It is like the time I witnessed a teenage girl gallivanting around the mall wearing a midriff baby t-shirt and shorts that did not extend past the cleft in the her ass, everything suddenly went purple and the next thing I knew I was sitting in the food court, my face covered in sour cream and four taco bell wrappers laying in my lap.


Are there 500,000 MLS soccer fans in the United States - even counting illegal Mexicans and geriatric Canadians I am comfortably certain the answer is: not even close.

1,100 jobs? Sure, I would just said a million-ka-jillion jobs and giving everyone the finger, but 1,100 is a good number, too. Of course, most of these phantom jobs are already filled by local wait staff, fast food fry cooks and hotel employees, therefore I am not even sure how that number is relevant but I don't get $50,000 a year to be the economic development director in Newark - this ass does however.

• The $600,000 in taxes I believe, but we (or at least those of with jobs who pay taxes) will be paying that amount out from local and state coffers to help subsidize the project and not receiving it as a revenue.
  
• $52 million dollars in sales - maybe the legions of children, who will end up the only real beneficiaries in this scenario when the Crew inevitably goes belly up, that play youth soccer at the facility will use their large disposable incomes to purchase Newark's most valuable commodity: Happy Meals!
  
• $18 million in wages: that is an easy one, give every local Newark resident working at McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King a $15,000 a year raise for dealing with the frothing antics of the aforementioned high fructose sugar crazed legion of adolescent soccer zombies.

When it is all said and done, Newark, Ohio has the opportunity to host one of the world's foremost and expensive soccer facilities for children. It will definitely put us on the map - as the biggest fuck-wits in the Midwest.